Ten ways of how real luos address a gathering of mourners.
1. You must have this hair cut of the medieval times called punk, because akili ni nywele and when you have designer hair cut even what comes out of your mouth through the intervention of your brain is designer.
2. When you passed with flying colours at Kisumu Boys, Maranda High or Maseno school, go to Mr.Price and get a shirt in one of those flying colours.
3. Wear a trouser that is as tall as the Eifell tower in Paris so as to accomodate the large powerstation around your waist. Support it with a designer belt, raise it to power sixth floor and hang it at the balcony of your chest.
4. Remove your powerful phone, eyi sorry yawa, abomination, i meant CELLULAR GADGET, from the public domain so that people can concentrate on the eulogy by hiding it inside your self contained pockets, once your right hand is free from your car keys and the aforementioned gadget, take the microphone and say “wan tu wan tu mic check wan tu wan tu yo yo mai niggas, gimme a borro of worra”
5. Make sure your left arm is at greater than but pretend you are holding the wire so that they dont say you are bragging(each lit jolwo)
6. The first thing you say before you talk about the deceased is “whoever has left the black rangerover sport at the gate to remove it, visitors want to pass” then almost immediately answer yourself “oh sorre, it is mine, pardon”.
7. You must start your speech by saying, whether factual or fantasy: “4 months ago when i was in Switzerland briefly on my way to Germany for a medical seminar, wait infact even before that, 6 months ago when i was on a business trip in england, if i remember correctly, i called the late and told him i would be in Kenya during winter and that i needed to meet him over coffee at my usual joint, Villa Rosa Kempinsky, so that he could bring me up to speed with the happenings at the village; it is unfortunate that that did not materialize.” Ofcourse he cannot defend himself even if you are lying.
8. You must arm yourself with atleast 5 vocabularies which you distribute evently across your speech, that only 1 percent of the gathering is familiar with. And even that 1 percent should only be familiar with those vocabularies strictly because they are blessed with powerful android phones that have the dictionary application.
9. You must have sharp shooters which you occasionally raise up for clear visibility while pretending to be adjusting the wire “threatening to trip you”
10. You finish your speech by apologising that you would have wished to be there till the very end but you have to leave. Leave majestically by shaking the hands of the main bereaved family, then wave to everybody else and walk away slowly to the bus stage, bargain from 200/= to 150/=, board Mbukinya Airways and fly low to Obunga manenos.
Pesa otas nigga, kusaa sio kasi…