Announce the day of your visit and prepare yourself well (Cash wise)
Change lots of 50bob notes (finje) and stash like 1000 worth in several envelopes.
Carry the “ayie envelope separately ” (_nimekubali cash)
Depending on how educated the girl is, you can stash from 10k – to – 100k for nyi Malawian (University graduates)- but not too much .. Luos value cows more than cash…the cow day is later….!!
Get your self a nice suit and tie..
Pick 2’or 3 close friends or relatives (at least one parrot)
On the material day, arrive late..
Do not enter the home in a motor bike!..
Kama hauna gari, hire or borrow from a friend, if not use a motor bike but alight a distance away from the home and walk.
As you enter stay in the middle..
You will be shown where to sit..
Do not sit facing your mum in-laws bedroom door.
Do not stare at the ceiling.. (your mum in law stares at it every night ( bad Manner’s)
Eat first and do it slowly (you will be served a whole chicken stuffed with spices and God knows what Else)
Your colleagues will eat after you start.. (some may be gluttonous so kula pole pole coz when you stop ,they stop too. (inyalo nego gi gi kech)
Eat a little of all the foods especially the ugali.
Do not ask where the toilet is..!
Utaenda kwa bush…so beba tissue yako kwa mfuko..
Ukipewa changaa kidogo ..
Drink it even if you are a teetotaler.
Do not finish the food. (there will be some to old mamas peeping as you eat…(relax they just want to intimidate you so that the left overs is enough for them)
Do not talk much..
When the speech time comes, your buddies will do the talking… Pretend you are important and keep adjusting your mitumba tie..
The village chief and lots of ‘ inlaws’
Will throng the home.especially if you come driving a Benz..(oche ma idewo)
Dish out the envelopes as per instruction from your buddies..
After all is done .. leave the home first (your sisters in-law will escort you)…
A day well accomplished..
You are now legally married.
Madam will follow you after a few days….
In under 2 years she will call you..
Jachiendno..(That demon) and you will do nothing about it…
Just shut up.
Ni pingu LA maisha!!
Via Facebook, by Nyadida Bernard.