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If Lions broke out in Kisumu


I hate second hand information. Mostly because it is distorted, overstretched or just plain exaggerated. I know this for fact since I’m a storyteller.

I understand the art of strategic emphasis, calculated intonation and suave embellishment. If you are going to tell a story, it better deserve the hype. If it doesn’t, don’t waste people’s time they will catch it on YouTube or in a meme or a gif or the next viral video.

Its 2016.

I can only imagine how Kisumu is coping having to depend on tweets for the lion games on the streets of Nairobi.

We have seen so many eye witnesses in this country. Most of who are policemen who have zero diction, a funny guy who cannot for the life of him differentiate the V in the word video for the F in his head and the ultimate eyewitness and national complainer, mama sirkaal. These are just the few who  came at the top of my head. The list goes down several Facebook posts.

Then there was that lady in a pink top and a black headscarf from Kisumu.

That one who was giving an account of what transpired at kondele. Ooh the humour. I haven’t laughed so hard after that narration. She told her story and stopped often to ask “unaskiza”? which if you directly translate from “iwinjo” is a means of ensuring she is the only thing you are listening to.

Imagine if the lions menace happened in Kisumu, wouldn’t it be a serious funny affair!

Friday morning, since the lions only break for the weekend. Somewhere in kondele, a black headed lion is spotted by the mighty people of Kondele.

Their first reaction if you ask me, would be to call Obama. Son of humanity. The Luo ruler of the world.

The son of their mother who sits on the white throne, he who a lion will fear and curl back to its wild haven. But all their humongous Wiko and Samsung phones will be dead. Otoyo, who just got paid and acquired a galaxy will try to reach him. He will need time to attend a class at the Jaramogi Oginga Odinga University to find the plus sign in his new phone. This quest will be quickly abandoned.

The lion is roaming Kondele bwana.

The streets would be chaos. Trees will fall and branches will suffer a Kisumu man on a mission, unrelenting and indefatigable.

The bypass is only just coming up and the flangover is a scenic feature. But a lion in the corridors of Kisumu is a whole different ball game. So Obama cannot be reached.

Maybe the lion is a sign that leadership, of this jungle, is coming to kisumo.

Nobody can scream better than a Luo woman. Have you attended our funerals? We cry so harmoniously the dead probably fidget. Those with anything of value will rush to salvage them from the lion. Because lions can eat up your Toyota NZE or touch that coat that came from Narobi. People would exaggerate the whole story and will turn into a fiasco so fast.

I can see the crowd from the urban Milimani coming all the way to take a selfie with the lion. So they can impress Achieng. She who moved to Narobi a decade ago and has acquired second grade sophistication and  is now causing Jadolo (real name Theophilus, after the church pastor) sleepless nights. Because chivalry is dead and the art of seduction was left to peacocks, a selfie with a lion will do the job. She should be boxed after seeing the bravery. Intelligent fools think like this guy right here.

Schools will close. Kondele Primary will be out of session until the lion is seen by all the pupils. Lets not get into the conversation that will ensue between a class three Okinyo and a standard five Jagero. Because it will be in deep dholuo.

I would like to pretend that there exists a Kama in Kisumu and a Nyansiongo in the outskirts of the city. Nothing will happen that Friday. Businnes will not run as ususal. Everyone will have a different version of what happened. The only common thing about the stories that will do rounds will be a lion on the loose. If it charges, the lion, I can only imagine how many casualties would be reported. See Nairobians take video from the safety of their cars. Not so many people own those in kondele. They would be up trees, on each others backs and atop their  peng’s to see the lion. Imagine that.

The conspiracy theories doing rounds in Nairobi would be quickly overshadowed by the cultural and spiritual ones that will emerge from Kondele. The Luo council of elders will convene to ponder. Ok maybe not. But could the lion bring good tidings with it.? Maybe it will. They will need a witness to narrate the whole story. A lady from the heart of Kondele will come forward.She will be at a loss because the lion disrupted her omena business for the better part of the day. And so she will submit.

Nalikuwa natembea tu kwenda sokoni. Nimediedo tu omena zangu naenda kufungua. kisa nikasikia suksuk kwa bungu, unaskiza. nikasmama chup, nione ni nini inachapnichapni hapo. nikiangalia vizuri nikaona nywele nyingi ikisonga. ndio Achieng akasema ni simba. sasa watu walikuwa natoka kila kote kuona  huyu  lee, ginene simba, unaskiza. kidogo tu watu nikajaa hapo hata mimi sana wanakanyaga tu wakifukuza simba. sasa nimeumia mguu unaona hapa na hata leso yangu ilipotea na watu. Hii simba irudi tu huko Narobi hii Kondele ni ndogo hatuwezi kuwa majirani. Naomba serikali itume Baba akuje achukue tu kwasababu kama hii ndio simba, okanyal

Are you fooling anyone today?

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