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Epic Fall in Malindi


We have always known that God is a jealous God.

He took it upon Himself to inform humanity that he is a jealous God and that anyone planning to make him a side piece is going to feel the heat. On the other side of heaven. God has always been sassy, which is why as Christians we have adhered to fidelity to him. I mean only a messiah can publicly admit that he is a jealous person. Humans deny jealousy even when they are coloured in that emotion. Girls will hate on each other but say they are not jealous, they just don’t like to be outdone. Well madam, there is a word for that it’s called jealousy.

I bet we never thought he had an attitude. We did hear of him catching feelings and throwing potatoes and coin change outside a church back in the day. I just never though he can get so angry and act without as much a thought of the consequences. Last Sunday, Christ the king was risen and amongst us if not in us. We flocked churches in memory of this. We might be a dysfunctional family as Christians but one thing is that we have an amazing ability to put aside our differences in reverence and celebration of Christ Jesus.

As some of us balled over ourselves to outdo each other in dressing, a small portion of the flock, adorned in orange regalia went south. I’m not sure if Malindi is to the South, but there are plenty of beaches there. Miami is south beach. Get the relationship? Fantsastic, no? Well hold this spoon with your teeth and say nothing. The Baba of coast (we’ll assume Joho is the caretaker in this case) was in the area. Now in my mind this is no mean feat.

To host the reverence that is Tinga is not a walk over.

The Omaris and Abubakars gathered under a palm tree. Dressed in nothing but leaves covering carrying palm wine and a big responsibility ahead. They were briefed by an elderly man called Abushakur Omani. Somewhere in the Kaya forest. Just to be in togetherness with the Gods of kaya.

They departed for the task ahead. The weaving of palms to make a culturally authentic dais for Baba.Tinga himself. The man with whom coast will stand by come days, weeks, months, years and decades to come. Said Joho, these are not my words. Then he went and the dais was ready. And Beka (that’s the jisty-version of Abubakar.Lazy people will find ways even around long names like Abubakar).Was pleased with himself. If weaving palm daises was a movie, he would have won an Oscar when baba took to the podium.

But the celebrations got out of hand pretty fast. When baba picked the mic, he addressed the crowd in his signature authoritarian tone. It was all cheers and claps until he started comparing himself to Jesus. Or something of that kind. This is when Jesus started turning green and a hint of red here and there. I’m thinking he was just minding his wounds waiting for his bath water and looking forward to change his clothes when he realised he couldn’t take it any longer. He started complaining to his disciples.

“Peter come here. Look at this guy try to compare himself to me.”

Now Peter had denied him before and was dying to make it up to him. So without even asking what the fuss was about he started being the instigator.

“How dare he try to compare himself to you? I mean he just landed from a first class flight, had a royal breakfast and rode in a German machinery to this place. The audacity jeez.”

“I hate it when you shorten my name like that but you make a valid point Peter.”

“He doesn’t even acknowledge that you have not had a shower in three days. You just came out of a tomb and he woke up in a king-sized bed. Doesn’t that just piss you off.

Jesus giving in to the finyo says” yeah I’m ticked off. Thomas says,” calm down he is just taking poetic license. I’m sure it’s not literal. Andrew buts in “uuhm Tom, you had to physically touch his wounds to believe he had risen, you don’t have grounds to share an opinion as of this instant. You probably doubt the sanity of Jesus argument. Tom walk away dejected and Peter looks to Andrew like thanks for the support bro.

Jesus says,”now he is just pushing it. Why won’t he just stop already that’s enough”. The disciples move away from him pretending to be clearing the table and preparing his shower and putting his clothes out. He sits in his throne and fumes in the ears. Tinga keeps going and he catches feelings. He gets up and stares at the screen, he clenches his fists and stamps his foot saying fervently.”Ooh you tried it. Now stop!”

At that moment, Malindi palm made dais came down. The orange colour all crumbled to the ground like a flat cake caving. Ooh how hard their backs must have hit the ground.

Yesterday was Easter Monday.

Be whoever you are but do not compare yourself to the risen king. He was having His moment and no amount of vitendawili was going to take the spotlight away. Baba we hope your spine is good and judging from the heat, I think Jesus is doing just fine. The video is doing rounds, evenly vengeance basically.

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