Let’s go to Kakwacha!

I am not sure what you will be doing by the time you read this! I am in a matatu going home after a hard day’s work. Or so I’d like to believe. Whatever the case, you are tired and in need of rest. After a good meal of course. See, some people pray to thank heavens for a good day. I am one of those people but I have an edge. I also eat to say thank you. To my body for enduring yet another day. I work in an industry clouded with a misplaced need to fit in and egos the size of Chris Rock’s humour. I have to deal with epic proportions of stupid on a daily basis and baffling levels of crazy. I don’t mind the crazy so much as the stupid. Crazy you can medicate. But stupid? Get me a meal.

Si, we just go to Kakwacha!

This is not a secret, it’s not a place you review and describe as a hidden gem, lies. This is a known treasure trove and everyone partakes in the gold. From the suburbs of Kenya-Re to the dingy slums of Nyalenda, this place enjoys a reverence of a kind.

A table served with antitheft – the restaurant’s favorite meal.

I realize how weird it is that I am talking about beef serving in Kisumu but it will get you too. At Kakwacha they do not serve just beef. No. This is Kisumu and if we are going to forgo our staple fis, then the alternative has to stand on a pedestal bejeweled in nothing but glorious culinary perfection. They call it the “anti theft”… ok stop laughing we need to get to the eating part. It’s  Kakwacha; famous for a reason that is both delectable and mouthwatering.

The meat is cut in long strips of beef and made with the hands of God. It’s called anti theft because you cannot steal anybody’s meat when it comes in strips. So you get served in portions you eat alone. Glutton hatching basically. Anyone who serves you food for you and you alone doesn’t want you to prosper. They are jealous of your chiseled torso and have poured money into mission” give them one packs”. I’m telling you. You cannot eat half the strips either. The goodness starts from one end and begins at the other. Do you see my point?

You will enjoy the best beef ever in this lifetime. It is teeth tender. It’s essentially fork tender but if you are at Kakwacha, a fork on the table is used to keep the men’s ego perched on the table. You know, so we can all eat in peace. Calm down and eat paradise on a plate. It is a delicate yet delectable mix of soft ingredients. It is well done so you cannot tell the attitude of the cow that died for your enjoyment. You can tell the marinade enjoyed its trip meandering the meat fibers and getting to the right bone in the right amount. Its happy beef made joyous with a sauce I’d give an arm to get the recipe .

The meat is served with a sauce called ojuri. Kisiis call it onchuri.

I doubt the other guys know this stuff. Only Luos and Kisiis are crazy enough to have cow shit mixed with the piss as sauce. Its an internationally acclaimed sauce if you ask around. Mostly because half the population of Kisumu moved to New Jersey and took it with them. But there is a clever trick they use that when it touches your palate, you see unicorns, popsicles and rainbows. It’s a pillow of delight in the mouth from the most basic ingredients.

If you are a fisherman, tie up your nets, we are going to eat a different kind of meat. Put your  work down, leave your attitude on your desk, drop your work pressure at the door, carry the days appetite in its entirety and let’s go to kakwacha. I hope it does to you what Kosewe’s does to Nairobians, satisfy.

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